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2013-06-22: Transfered all of my 2011 "My Year in Music" posts from Facebook.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Superficial Bond Reviews --- #07: Diamonds Are Forever

* As a reaction to the horrible shock of seeing James Bond making an ass out of himself by crying like a little girl in the previous movie, the Bond People decided to toss George Lazenby in a lake and bring back "the other guy".
To bad that guy is getting kinda long in the tooth. At first glimpse of 007, I cringe a little. Well, at least it's Connery.

* Pretty soon, I'm introduced to the trademark Bond villain, and it so happens there's two of them: Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd. I really love those two guys. There's just something so unsettling and off with them and their behavior, that the brain immediately starts to create some back story for the characters.
There's a scene in the desert where the two lovebirds kill some dude by putting a scorpion down his shirt. I hope I get to enjoy that activity with my wife someday - we just have to find a common enemy first.

* I un-cringe about Bond's age when I see him fight some dude in an elevator. Like most of Connery's fights, it's excellent: dynamic, violent and believable.
I will later cringe again, when I notice that Connery is getting a little chubby. I don't wanna picture Bond as bloated and hairy.

* A lot of the time in DAF is spent on 007 simply discovering stuff, and exploration is not always the same as action. Especially when you're starting to lose interest in the whole movie out of boredom.
I could be that I just think there's something lame and camp about the whole diamond business. When the whole storyline eventually leads up to a giant diamond space laser, I'm thinking of replacing "lame" and "camp" with "laughable" and "brainless".

* I'm noticing that there's almost a heavier emphasis on wisecracks than action in this movie. So it basically feels like a Roger Moore movie, starring Sean Connery. I'm confused... but I'm starting to think it's got something to do with Bond's age. That, or the beginning of a very annoying epoch in Bond's history.

* As if the wisecracks weren't enough, there are visual gags for me to hate here as well. The Moonmobile, for example, which is like the Popemobile... if the Pope were an extra-terrestrial.
OK, that is actually not such a stretch, but the Moonmobile seems like part of a conscious plan to make James Bond seem like a dork.
There's a fine balance between 007 as a hero, as a cold killer, as a disarming gentleman, as someone with a sense of humor... and this just takes a giant, steaming dump on that balance.
I won't even get into the stupid water walking ball.

James Bond. Y'know - for kids!

* The car chase in Vegas - thankfully not including the wretched Moonmobile - is pretty cool. And I don't like many car chases. I like five, that I can think of, including this one.

* Bambi and Thumper have to be mentioned as well, under the category "wasted potential".
These two wonderful henchwomen seem to belong in one of those bad 70s porn movies with too much hair in them, but then I remember that it's a Bond movie, and there will be no nudity. After that initial disappointment, I start to expect another great fight instead... and I'm disappointed again. When you can actually see Connery pull his punches as if he feared being sued, and the two women taking a one-minute break between each useless somersault, you start to wish that they would speed this shit up, like they did with Thunderball.
Thankfully, it doesn't take 007 long to figure out that the two women are allergic to water, and defeats the dangerous damsels by way of dipping them playfully in a swimming pool. Wow. Dumb.

* I focus on my whisky while other boring stuff happens on screen, or even off screen (nobody seems to even be bothered with showing something as trivial as a missile launch. I think there's some kind of ransom scene that's off screen too).
Then there's a pretty good helicopter attack, and after that, Blofeld is dispatched in an insanely unfulfilling way. I drink.

* Finally, Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd get fragged by Bond in a way that belongs in one of the Naked Gun movies, and a grotesque image of Leslie Nielsen as 007 flashes before my eyes.
I drink to Leslie's memory, and vow to never see Diamonds Are Forever again.

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